This is strange. God is truly a God who builds block by block, stone by stone, and as long we are built upon the cornerstone...the journey is just gonna get more exciting.

Just awhile God, I've been asking God to "redeem me" more each day...for those who are not used to this theology, redemption is a one-moment thing that happened to you when you are saved... but it is also a life-time thing where God's word transforms you from glory to glory into His image. And that was what I was asking God for...to be changed.

This whole year started with one cry for me... the cry for greater wonder of God in my life. Which gradually, I realised, was a cry for deeper and more meaningful discipleship with Him. And so that was always my cry- to be changed. Because I believe, as we are caught up in the wonder of Him, we will be changed to be like Him.

And that is the only way to be changed- to be caught up in episodes, then moments, then a lifetime of awe at who He is!

C.S.Lewis made this wise statement on those who would seek God, "when you (truly) know what God He is, whether He is is no longer a question."

Judah Smith said, "When you look into those nail-pierced hands and feet, and into those burning eyes, and his hair like wool, your only response will be, 'I give my life as a living sacrifice'!"

And then today, boom- revelation came! I became overwhelmed with a great unease when I woke up. As if, I was walking the wrong way, or caught up in the wrong things. Then I heard two separate messages, and read an article that changed the morning for me.

I tuned into a sermon by John Piper (which I heard before) but today I was so desperate to get right with God...I wanted to return to His way... I wanted to know "what's wrong?" Where, Lord, have I deviated? I listened desperately. And the message, surprisingly (haha, with God, is anyth ever surprising?), was on our response to the Gospel. Piper was preaching that we should fear God and hope in Him- as our response to the Gospel.

And he was challenging the listeners to give up any trust in anything other than God... (interestingly, Corne Bekker said the same thing in a sermon I heard the night before)... esp the strength of man, our self-creativity, our potential, our ability... and in what we can do and create... and to put Him as our only Hope.

Then Phil Pringle came onto my handphone, and talked about "sweetening up our spirit" with the word of God, and how we ought to walk "not in the way of ungodly", and how we ought to allow the Word to produce "reverential" fear in the attitudes that guide our life. And then I intuitively know, by the power of the Spirit, that I have become dependent upon self (what I can create... good communities...good fellowship...good friendships) and upon others (from whence I can get acceptance, worth, validation)- and I have not made God my only trust and hope. I have not feared Him. My attitudes were wrong- that was the reason for the unease when I woke up, and throughout the morning. 

Augustine is proven right, "The soul's unease is the work of the spirit." ANd then I realised, if I wanted to be redeemed, I must be convicted for my sins.. I must be judged in order to be redeemed. Christ, representing us on the cross, was judged by the Father- and then raised up, after God's judgement was appeased. And surprisingly again, I was reading a devotion by Andrew Murray who speaks so profoundly that "judgement" could be the very instrument of God's mercy to us... Think about it- when God dealt with Annias and Saphirah who lied to the Holy Spirit (in Acts), more people believed as a result. The fear of the Lord results in life. Life is found in fearing God. 

And then, to make the morning even more dramatic, Max Lucado steps in- with His devotional- and gives us a picture of the Samaritan woman after her conversation with Jesus... she quickly rushes off into her town, and begins telling the first person she meets about this man etc... and guess what, Lucado suggests, is left at the well? 

It is the jug she brought there in the first place. That represents the  life of insignificance, Lucado explains, she has been living- and the well became a burial ground for something that day. Her insignificance was buried, and she ran with purpose now. 

And I realised that my feelings of "insignificance" (God, who cares about what I'm going through, and what I can do?) results from the fact that the Holy Spirit is convicting me. It's time, the spirit seems to say, for you to die to that old life again. That past life- the sin- controlled life- is in essence, insignificance. Because, God is significance- His very essence, His very life, is meaning and order and purpose. He spoke, and gave "order" to the "chaos" of this universe at creation... and His life creates... apart from God, there is no creative power or purpose or meaning, only aimlessness and senselessness... and I was feeling like I did because I had adopted attitudes that were opposed to Him, and in that, I rejected the life of significance... but reverted back to everything insignificant... and everything apart from Him.

It was His mercy and grace that made me feel this way, so I can repent, and receive His life- in essence live significantly again. He reminded me...that when I die one day, people would say that I have been reduced to insignificance because my body will lay cold in the ground (all functions dissolved)... but that is untrue... because the body itself right now is already defined by insignificance, its very essence opposed to God, opposed to life... it is a body cursed by sin, and failed in terms of law... but that day, the truth is- the real me, my immortal self, the spiritual self can never be more significant for I become wholly one with Christ, who is the essence of life and meaning. In this He was telling me that whenever I feel insignificant, it is because I've reverted to living in the old flesh, the sin-cursed one, and I was no longer walking in the Spirit. The way to go is to "bury" or "die" to the old self again, and receive His life.

Wow. What a revelation! What grace given to us... God, thank you for the early birthday present... You are the best! I give my life ever and ever, in faith, to honor this- the Savior King!