Haha.

Honestly, this period of time has shown me that I am still maturing to be more like Him... and there is still MUCH MORE to GO! Hm, when I got back Hist Paper 1, and saw that my expectations weren't actually real-istic anyway... I was really disappointed... I truly did not know what to do... what can I achieve? Was I really capable after all, at least capable to overcome the seemingly sense of defeat in that very moment, and rise again?

Doubts literally poured into me... haha... I am still human! Hallelujah!

But God- aren't you and I glad that for every situation in our lives... there's always a "But God- always reassured me through his "still small voice" not to worry, and that He is with me. And I believe even more now than before that nothing will stop me from what God wants me to do, and that He is with me- He, being Victory, is with me!

"Don't worry" and "I will help you" and "I am for you"... these words are what every Christian need to hear as often as possible... they are spirit, and they are LIFE to our souls.

And God, blessed you say is the man who trusts in you. They shall never be shaken... they shall always endure... always strengthened in your will.

If you are feeling like you have nothing to give to God today, and that your life is so full of inadequacies and instability and inconsistencies... God is speaking to you right now- turn to Him, He will bless you... you will bear MUCH fruits IF you ABIDE in HIM.  

Oh boy... I really wished I could just be able to pray for the sfc j1s and even those who came for the christian united (people like ANNETTE HAHA) camp ONE MORE TIME (HAHA) before I leave sajc... haha... really wanna God to use me to speak into their lives (He has... but as in prophetically)... and just for Him to impart something into their lives... I believe they are the Carriers of Revival!

This post would be flooded if i wrote down everything I believe God can and will do in the lives of every individual j1...

I think sometimes, we feel like we are just a number or statistic to make the numbers in the GROUP...BUT dearest ones of God, that is a lie- even from the pits of HELL! haha.

Because, each one of you are so dearly loved by God...that He gave His one and only son to be born a man (pause and think, the timeless one, the ancient of days...stepping into time for me?) to be your friend- our Emmanuel- your teacher (God, teaching me what He knows? What HE KNOWS!)... and on a Cross, a cruel cross, with cruel nails piercing into His hands and feet... He became your savior... He rescued eternity for you...

And through the blood that flows over you...He lives in each one of you... each one of you... (don't miss this!) and through the blood, not because of your perfect track record or anything like that... he calls you to "reign with Him". Reign with ah beng? NO! Reign with the KING of KINGS! Are you just a number? NO!!! Certainly NOT!!! You are His beloved... you are the called...

YOU are the one whom paul said that "all things" in this world "works for good" for!! So I pray you always remember your calling in Him, and that you were made to be a SHINING LIGHT! In Sa... and beyond... he died for us, let's live for Him...

And if ever you guys need prayer, or a listening ear, or help... here's a willing bro! HAHA. I might not be of any help myself, but with God, we can work out things out... heee hee...

behold I am doing a new work... behold!!

Praise God for seeing me through the papers thus far... I have done my best, He will do the rest... and no matter what happens... in the end- it will be alright!

Haha.

Hm, Was just pondering the verse in the Beattitudes that says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit..." I was just thinking...maybe we as christians should learn to cultivate such a poverty of spirit...

And to comfort those who have this spirit with the fact that Jesus calls them "blessed", and even encourage them to lead us towards cultivating such a spirit...

Because such spirit draws the blessing and anointing of God

And I don't think Jesus meant people "impoverished" in spirit...having an impoverished spirit is very different from being in a poverty of spirit before God. The former means "lack of encouragement" and "lack of fervour"... how can that be blessed?

But I think what being in poverty of spirit means is we have got to be able to be honest before God that we have failed, and that we need Him.

It is ironic that many times we use the verse that says "come boldly before the throne of grace" as if we need nothave  this poverty of spirit before Him. The word "boldly", as explained by Psr Judah Smith, refers to a frankness of spirit- we must represent ourselves truly before God. No pretense.

And therefore, we come confidently...to say that we have failed, to say that we have sinned, to say that we need Him. And that apart from Him, we can do nothing. We cant even desire Him, without Him first initiating that desire in our hearts.

It is coming before God with that total helplessness and humility that Jesus was pointing when he said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit..."

And as I reflected further...  I realised Christ was the personification of a life of total brokenness and humility. You don't know humility until you understand that He "considered equality with God not something to be grasped... but took on the form of a man..." And you don't know true brokenness until you realise that He "was obedient even to the point of death on the cross..."

And I was thinking... Jesus did not sacrifice like a "noble hero" would... a noble hero died conquering... Jesus died to conquer... Jesus took on the Cross- the punishment for the WORST sinner... He didn't die like a hero... He died humbly... His sacrifice was humble.

I read somewhere that until the Gospel was preached, humility was not seen by the ancient world then to be a "virtue"...i was a servant attitude... the idea of a Servant King was virtually absent. And yet Jesus demonstrated the love of a humble God. A God who was willing to identify with you and I.

Why do I say that He identifies? Because we need God all the time...we are very very very poor before Him... we needed His life before we sinned, and after we sinned, we needed His mercy all the more... so we are to lead the humble and broken life... we are to be like David who cried out that "a broken spirit and a contrite heart, this you will not despise"... but we do not have a high priest who does not identify- but we have one who went to the extreme, to lead you by example... of what it means to be broken, of what it means to be humble...

Friends, cry out to God today... and represent yourself as you are before Him... with no pretense... because Jesus calls us to such an attitude.. and He demonstrated it... and the best thing is He can create such a heart in you... because He lives in you!

Hallelujah!    

The God of this world died for me

I wrote songs yesterday and today... hopefully I can put up the lyrics here soon... yesterday's song was about acknowledging God's sovereignty, and today I wrote a song centred around the line, "The God of this world died for me"...

I think we would truly never comprehend the fullness of His love, that He would endure the nails and crown of thorns to love us... to step across time to touch our world... And I think that's what my dear senior George (sfc) meant when He hoped that I would be "refreshed by God's love everyday"!

When I think of the way of the cross, I do not think of taking up a whip and whipping myself... haha... the mental pictures that comes to mind is:

All the nasty stuff I'm feeling at the moment...all the perceived rejections, hurts, cries, pain, hopelessness (mainly, all the result of sin, of separation from God)...exchanged from my back to the back of this Man who willingly says, "put it down here" and points to His back...

Then, I see Him lugging these baggages which somehow forces their way into His body- with every physical nail is a spiritual nail that rips at his spiritual muscles and destroys every inch of connection he has with His father- and then I hear Him cry, "My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?"

And then I see an empty tomb...and a Savior who has overcome, whose blood redeems the lost connection, the effects of sin, and curses sin once and for all...

And, these three images occur again and again and again, as I go about all of life- that is the 'way of the cross' for me. As these images occur, I began to lay and lay and lay all my junk upon Him and I keep being renewed as He is being torn apart, and I rise with Him from that empty tomb. Again and again and again. 

On a lighter note, I would like to thank ALL e people who have made this holiday great- even tho studies are crazy (hahah)- by either chatting with me on msn, being at cor (tho i only came twice!) or even at tuition, or dinner (haha). In particular, thanks Faus for always just reminding me that my memories of ahs will always grow, in terms of friendships like ours, and thank shane and samuel and celine and jolene for wonderful company at cor last fri (and shane and samuel for everyday dat ive returned). Thanks sam, for always asking "so how are you ben?" that means so much to me =] thanks ms wong for the wonderful consult today! And jolene- for the notes (tho i havent read them! hahah) and for always believing in getting real about things. May you find truth in Christ. oo and looyee...im inspired by your growth in God...you know what, our Potter has just begun! HAHA

And all the sfc people. And aaron, lester, evangeline and brenda for wonderful company at camp (i know tis' late- but it's always better late than never right? HAHA)

And may we all bless the name of God for the rest of our days... Worthy is the Lamb. He is the power to overcome sin, and live victoriously in this world! 

Erm, due to lack of time for elaboration about the issue that I am going to delve into in this post, I will try to surmise what I want to say.

Yesterday, I was just watching the Reinhard Boonke's 'full flame' dvd again...basically, it is a cinematic film produced by today's leading evangelist on what our heart for evangelism should be like.

And his first cinematic film was "lost at sea"- basically how the Church is one lifeboat to save souls, and not a cruise!

The thing is, today, as I was just praying in the spirit, as we were heading towards kenny rogers to celebrate Father's Day (hahah, the food is EXCELLENT)... I suddenly got a strange idea.

And usually, when I have a strange (not flawed theologically, just uncomfortable) thought about a passage or story in the bible...I would always ask, "Is this from You, or from me?" And to tell you the truth, sometimes I think I'm stretching what's on the page... haha...

So I always have to ask, is there enough (and I'm asking for the mind of the Holy Spirit here) for me to conclude that this could be what You meant in this passage? And the passage this time is the famous one- Peter's walking on the water.

I suddenly thought, what if the reason Jesus had Peter walked out of the boat was to convey to us metaphorically to step of our boats, our comfort zone, to save "drowning souls"?

Think about this: when Peter lost his faith, he began to sink...what about "souls" who do not even have faith to begin with...aren't they already sinking into the depths of the sea? Was Jesus' call a call to us, to step out- and reach out our hands? As Christ exposed his hands to drowning Peter, are we to expose our hands to lost souls?

But I thought it was too far-fetched. And I just chucked it aside. Then this afternoon, as I was just hearing an old song that chesed sent to me, "I want to know you"...I suddenly realised the significance of Jesus' call- and Peter's action.

The boat represents metaphorically what happens whenever we take off in worship. As we worship, we sail away from the shores of schedule and follow our savior's instruction- remember it was Jesus who asked them to take off in that boat. 

And many times, in our worship, we hit a tempest- we start to feel that our lives are out of our hands. And many times, we also stop hungering after God- when that happens. We pull back in fear, instead of responding to faith. 

Yet, many a times, in worship, when we seem to struggle inwardly with surrendering our lives fully, Jesus stands on the sea- the sea representing unchartered territory, new levels of intimacy and powerful living that is our inheritance in Christ. Yet, we rather stay from the boat- and worship God from there, like the disciples. Graciously, Jesus enters our boat. 

But, we miss going to the next level of faith and victory in Christ. 

For the disciples, they had a worship-time, for Peter, He had an experience, an encounter with power, with destiny. He walked on water! WHat's walking on water?

It is the surrendering of our fears, and holding on in faith. It is the renewing of our beliefs- to the beliefs that God is in charge of our lives, He is in control, and we need not fear- as long as we are walking in His call (literally jesus called out to Peter).

And I also realised then, why Jesus wanted to lift the disciples' faith and give them an opportunity for water-walking that day... after the boat landed,  the ministry began- the sick came! In order to minister the power of God, we must encounter the power of God.

In order to believe on the behalf of others for their blessing, we must believe for ourselves- that God cares for our lives. And by stepping out of the boat, we reflect that belief. Jesus had to stretch their faith towards God, for their own lives, before He could use them to stretch the faith of others.

In another passage, after Jesus' resurrection, Jesus commands His disciples to "launch out into the deep" when they caught no fish for the entire night! Why didn't He provide miracles there and then, in the "shallow"? Why must they launch into the "deep" for fish to come?

The answer is the same, if we want to catch "fish", bless others and stand in faith for people, we must let God stretch our faith- in obeying Him to "step out of the boat", and "launch into the deep"...because the opportunities for interaction are not found within our comfort zone, or our security nets, but there in the deep and there in the stormy waters.    

My apologies for the long silence on this blog- at least no reports on recent happenings: like Christian United Camp... The reason being is, I am still processing through what God has been intent on revealing to me...

And I think more and more, I am more overcome by the truth that our God is a "God who hides himself". I didn't say this- Isaiah did. What did He mean?

Is He not Emmanuel? Is He not the God who "knocks" at the door of our hearts?

What did Isaiah mean?

Thank God, Isaiah explains himself in another- more familiar- verse,

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."  

Sometimes, God does not intervene in an expected way- and all your 'great expectations' are ruined. How do you feel during those times? Do you feel that He has left you?

During those times, for me, I can still say, for sure that that He has not left me, but what I doubt is His direction. By "direction", I mean where He is headed to- that can be very frustrating... it seems like God hides His direction, so we can't know for sure.

I hate that feeling... haha

I think Martin Smith echoes this sentiment in this line, "Even when you're gone and I'm cracked and dry- in the river I will wait." Would we still choose to abide in the river of worship when God's presence does not leave tracks behind in its movement- "when you're gone".

Sometimes, the only thing we can do, the only way to pull through these seasons where God's direction is unclear and confounding, is to "wait" in the river- to abide in worship. Until God makes it clear to us the directions, so that we can follow.

A.R. Bernard mentions that it is not that His thoughts are inaccessible to us- but that they are just "higher" than ours.

Simply put, we won't be able to know them- by ourselves. So what happens between the "huh?" and the time when God reveals these thoughts to our minds? We can only wait.

That was what I felt after camp. 

God, where are you leading me? Notice, when things are going "as expected", it is easy for me to think that I know everything where God is leading the whole ministry... yet that is pride. But when God chooses to "hide himself", and disrupt my expectations- that's when I ask, in humility, "where are you leading- not any one else- but me?" 

God, I want to know you more. That is the cry the Holy Spirit wants to birth in many of our hearts- as we go through a season of waiting for the Word of God to speak, and to clarify His will.

And surprisingly, it is in those moments where the familiar is wrest away from us, that we begin to ask fundamentally, "Have I lost the anointing on my life?" Have I followed what comes naturally to me, when leading others to His sacred presence...or say, when ministering the word to other...and in fact have lost the direction of the Holy Spirit?

Have I embraced a "form of godliness, denying its power"?

Have I joined the ranks of those who "prophesy, heal the sick, cast our demons in His name" but never really knew Him?

And then I began to praise Him, for I realised His rescue plan. In order to save me from myself, He had to ruin my expectations...and cause me to be "cracked and dry", as it seems, losing what is familiar and realising only then that the familiarities in ministry has become the blindfold over my eyes from reckoning that God's anointing, perhaps, was growing smaller and smaller...

Bottomline- I was trusting myself, not God. And oh, how precious is the sound of grace over me- grace that didn't leave me to myself... indeed, during those times my friend, that you find yourself "cracked and dry", seemingly alone in the "river", unable to track down God, trust God. Trust Him, even when the boat is overwhelmed by the "winds and waves", and may God open your eyes- as you put yourself in the shoes of faith- to see Jesus...walking on those waves. You will get to where God has called you to! 

Hallelujah! We serve a God, who is "for us, not against us!" It's time to dance!          

Don Moen's "Creator King" has a particular line that captures my thoughts about God recently.

"Echoes of the voice that called the world to be...reach throughout the ages and speak to me"

Wow.

Recently, I was talking with a dear teacher of mine about eternity. And I really appreciate her honesty- for she told me her concern about it.

"Wouldn't it be veryyy tiringg living without end! After all, it's ETERNITY, isn't it?"

But then, this where many of us fail to recongize what eternity really is. It isn't a concept of time. It is a Person. It is God.

Know God, know eternity. Experience Christ, and you will have tasted eternity.

Eternity is not a unit of time, it is a quality of life.

No ordinary life. It is the LIFE OF GOD.

What is heaven? Heaven is not a place, Heaven is the presence of God.  

In one sense, you and I who have welcomed the Savior King have heaven- and eternity inside of our hearts and lives.

Friends, that's the key to evangelism. That's the answer to being a witness for Christ. You can't be a witness unless He is living inside of you, impacting you daily.

We won't get bored in Eternity. For it is not that we shall one day take hold of Eternity- but that Eternity takes holds of us the moment we receive Christ. The joy, the victory, the peace- you experience here on earth- will only be extended and magnified when you get there. That is our hope.

Christ IN us, the hope of glory.

---------------------------------

Selah. (Pause for a moment)

Think about the implications that Eternity has stepped inside you and I.

We are time-bound human beings.

He is God, the uncreated one, the unshaped person, the beginning, the power that formed everything you and I see in our natural and the supernatural world...

And yet He chose a collision course with us- intentionally. The One who has no beginning and end took on a beginning and end- in the person of Christ. Truly, He "laid aside His majesty".

And He suffered- just to "be with us" in terms of identifying with human pain. He who had no reason to suffer...for He knew no sin...took on sin and suffered by our side. Now, don't say God doesn't understand!

And then with His blood pouring into our spiritual blood-stream, He cleanses us by His own Life- the Life of Faith that is pure in God's eyes.

And now gives us an inheritance that He deserved, not us! A Life that is born in faith, and that can overcome the world. He poured Himself into us, one more time, to create a God-likeness  in us again. 

The Holy God, the spirit of God, now chooses to live in broken men. How He limits himself to jars of clay- in order to touch and mend these jars.

What then is grace?

Grace is us doing nothing- and yet eternity still reaches out to us.

God, may I spend my days gazing upon you- my Eternity...and singing of you, my Grace.

The frustration of failure
The worry about worth
The confusion of carnality
All scream out at me

At once,
I feel angry
At this messiness
That plagues my days

Where is the plan
Where is the Creator's hand
How do you walk by faith-
when your eyes have gotten used
to sight

And even if I have faith,

it is only like a mustard seed:
what good is theology-
if the divine details
Are still amiss to me

Even if they are there

I am no Wesley,
I am no Swindoll,
I am no Augustine-

I am but the man
Who cried out to the Savior
"Help me in my unbelief"
For I am blind to who You are 

Preparing my healing

Eternity so removed
For I have wandered away from home
Like Pip in Great Expectations
And yet You remind me again

That when I am a million miles away
Thinking that You have failed me
I begin to hear echoes of Eternity

Louder and Louder

And then footsteps

Running Steps

I see You  

Blinded (from DE day 25)

I admire the maturity of my father.

Today, we had a chat on how the problem with humans is still a problem of a lack of recognition, not passivity. We tend to discard the role of theology today- thinking that it's time we did something, not just hear and understand something. But I beg to differ. Maybe the question we ought to be asking, is not whether we should be hearing or doing...but whether we have heard rightly, or understood deeply.

Think about it- can we ever finish comprehending the total gravity of Jesus' sacrifice?

Of course not. What happens everytime we receive a fresh vision of it?

It compels us to action. It compels us out of passivity. Therefore, it is not that we should stop comprehending theology and get down to doing things...but it is that we need to reevaluate how we have comprehended theology...because Jesus said it clearly- "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."

It is not the accumulation of head knowledge that I study the word... I am a keen student of the Word because I want to be changed by it.

The disciples asked, "show us God's work, that we might do it."

They wanted to "do" something...perhaps they had the same misconception as us..."it's time to do something!"

And Jesus stunned them, as He will stun us today, by his reply..."The work of God is this, that you might believe."

Believing the truth is still the way to go. What is wrong with us? Is it our passivity? Maybe, we have taken tooo little time to truly allow the Word to engage us, grip us, and compel us to action. For when we spend true quality time in the Word, it will change our lives.

For it is by the "renewing of our mind", that we are "transformed". And It hasn't changed for Christians today.

 The great theologians like John Wesley, Augustine, Calvin...and most recently, C.S.Lewis and Philip Yancey, are great workers of God. A true understanding of God's character and ways will lead one to a holy life. It is not reasoning at the human level...it's not a feeling at the human level...it is knowing and feeling at the spiritual level.

What is "joy"? What is "peace"? What is "hope"? Are they not spiritual emotions- provoked by spiritual truth? Should we reject emotions...should we reject theology? Of course not.

What is faith? It is as much a spiritual emotion as it is a spiritual decision. At this, many would be on their feet, crying "heretic", but wait...let me explain. What are emotions? Emotions are sometimes described as "feelings you can't control"...they come uncontrollably to the human being. Because of the fall, we have lost the right to consistently good spiritual emotions as we fall away from God. And I think that is the reason why our natural starts to operate on its own and begins to become fickle.

Back to spiritual emotions: We can't produce joy. We can't produce hope. We can't produce faith. At this, many would be prepared to stone me.

But think again- can we produce the fruits of the spirit (i.e. joy, peace etc)? And how is these fruits produced- have we thought of that question?

Notice we call them fruits. The bible is teaching us something here- just because they are "emotions" doesn't mean they are superficial, and are fickle...these are spiritual emotions shaped by the our response to the Spirit's control.

Joy, peace, love, faith are spiritual emotions ROOTED in a man's response to God. They are formed by choice and beliefs. When you choose Christ, you feel joy. When you choose to yield to His will, you feel peace. I'm not talking about a natural feeling..."as the world gives"...but I'm talking here about a spiritual emotion- one that "transcends circumstances". When you hear the Rhema, faith arises.

It is only when we are impacted by these spiritual emotions can we then choose to love, choose to havea faith, choose to cultivate peace. That is why, we are so lost without God. It starts with Him pouring Himself into us that we begin to live for Him.

You can be panicky in the natural, but in the spiritual, you are at peace. You can feel so hurt in the natural by a bro, but in the spiritual, you feel the compassion to forgive. Why can we appropriate these emotions...? We can, because we choose God. They are emotions- but they are emotions that are based upon a pursuit of God. The problem is ,we allow the natural emotions to dictate our spiritual ones instead of the other way around. The former is only a poor and perverted reflection of the other- the former is fickle while the other is permanent. The former is based on happenings, but the other is based on truth.

We cannot love unless we feel loved. So would you say that's fickle? Surely not! We all know that it is no point trying to love when we are feeling spiritually lousy. God is not into the business of denial- where we say, "it's alright. Just pretend nothing's wrong."

Why else would Jesus say, "guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life" unless He is concerned about the deeper emotions that guide us?

Notice that salvation is "impossible by man"- you can't feel the spiritual emotions of hope, joy and victory unless you are saved, and you can't save yourself...meaning you can't create these emotions that you were made to experience apart from God shaping them in you.

Isn't it suprising that we sometimes neglect the emotions that we feel, when God's comment on heaven is that it is a place "without tears"?

May we hear Rhema in Jesus' question, "What do you want me to do for you?"

Lord may I always take a posture of humility and brokenness before you, because I can't produce joy myself, I can't fill myself- I need you. I need you to live for you. I am not independent- I am all-dependent on your breath of life. I need to "see"- for it is truth that changes my life. Thank you God.

Hm, firstly, thanks for all those who made today's afternoon special- the sfc people- you guys are truly the "light of the world" and the "salt of the earth"! And thanks rahman for eating so much, just so that you can be there to chat with me! HAHA.

I think I am most honest with celine today. And I think I shall repeat what I said to her, about the "season" that I am going through- because before that I truly do not have a coherent way of expressing the season.

This is what I told her (paraphrased a bit la haha): I feel as if I am in a "meaning-less place", "strange and unfamiliar", "pressure-cooker", and "jerky and uncertain place".

To me, this is a transitory place.

A place where I will wander through, and eventually leave- and go into greater glory. But still, it is a place I must trek.

I think I would have lost my sanity if God hasn't been whispering, to me that "I am with you". More than that, He assures me that "I will go before you".

How encouraging is that?

And yet, when you are going through the valley between two mountains, how much faith do you need to believe that?

How much faith do you need to believe that He will "go before you" everyday, and every step of the day?

How much faith will it exact from me to believe when things are topsy-turvy during the day, and I just cannot "see" His hands?

Recently, I've also been revisiting a question: "what is the impact I want to leave in SA?" And the next question, "Am I making it?" And sometimes, it is difficult to believe that God's work is being done when you don't seem to be making any (positive) impact anymore. Not at the moment- things are just too rough for you to smooth. Moreover, you are too affected by the pain that people inflict- consciously or unconsciously- on you to have the potency to effect a positive influence on the world around you.

What do you do, when the vision seems blurry- or even unclear? Or even passing away?

What do you do, when you can't do much?

What do you do, when you seem to be walking through  the "valley of the shadow of death"?

These are tough questions.

What do you do, when the Savior's voice calls you to abandon your-self, in greater surrender, in greater death, to Him?

How much would it cost you and I?

No easy answers to pump you and I up in this post. Just questions that hopefully, by His grace, would lead us to the Cross...to Your heart...