I think it's a good time to reflect on 2011, as well as the coming year ahead. 2011 has been a rough journey for me, I must say. Even tougher than 2010. 2010 was a huge list of happenings... but 2011 was a single-track downhill for the soul. My faith literally was shipwrecked. When the bible says, "The letter (the Law) kills", it really means that. We ought to take that seriously. I think at a time (in 2010) when negatives abounded, my spirit was too overwhelmed to sense God's peace or absence of it in the midst of the situations. Reflecting back, I think it is at times like these that we actually need the objective word of God spoken from the outside from anointed people to sustain our inward sensitivity to the Holy Spirit.

The thing was, I did look outside of me for a word from God... but I received a word of His Law, instead of a word of His Grace- that the Apostle Paul actually commends us to! What Law? The insatiable urge to look at myself, measure myself, judge myself, examine myself, whether I'm worthy as a disciple of Christ. The thing about destiny-preaching and potential-stretching is that it makes one self-conscious and self-occupied rather than Christ-conscious and Christ-absorbed. How strange that when we are unconscious of ourselves, the Holy Spirit leads us into our destinies in Christ effortlessly! Yet, when we are looking to ourselves and asking ourselves, "are we there yet", we will never arrive! Because, the gospel starts with the proclamation that our hope is found in Someone other than ourselves!

Give up on myself, that's what 2011 taught me. Literally. Tim Keller said, we must see that on the Cross, our idols (i.e. our forms of self-righteousness) have all lost its grip on us and crucified in the body of Christ. How true! The problem with me is not that I'm unrighteous, but that I'm trying to finish a work that has already been done for me... I'm trying to be holy and righteous, when I already am- in Christ! Oh, the idols of morality and people's affirmation that huants me, even when I sleep! But the Cross has dealt with that. 2011 has shown me clearer than ever that my only hope is found in the blood-stained body of my Savior!

I'm beginning to appreciate the hard sayings of my father more and more... the only answer to our problems is the Cross. There is no other. And I thank God that He is beginning to reconcile my relationship with my father again... to realise that he loves me, and his love for me is not based on my performance, but I'm loved just because I am his!

Oh, 2011 was a year of tears- of sorrow and joy. Sorrow, because of my self-worship... and Joy because of the Spirit's revelation of the glories of Jesus and His gospel! I think the joys triumphs over the sorrows. Joy in Christ always  does that- because nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ! What glorious tears they were, produced when a self-righteous heart is awakened to the beauty of God's sovereign will in saving a sinner like me. He elects, He calls, He justifies, He sanctifies, He glorifies! Soli Deo Gloria- To God alone belongs all the glory! Not to us, oh Lord, but to you, belongs all the glory...

What a glorious time when I realised that the Cross answers the need to an orphaned soul and a husband-less soul. Our soul needs the two-fold love... the love of a Father, and the love of Christ, the lover of our soul. More and more, the joy of knowing that I get to be the elect, that I get to be the chosen, that I get to be Jesus' bride thrills my heart... knowing that it is He who loved me, and gave Himself for me! O, we can spend an eternity and more gazing at the mystery of His wounds, and never reaching a conclusion! We will never know how much it cost Him to bear our sins upon that Cross!

So... what about 2012?

Hahaha... I remembered the verse God impressed upon my heart for 2011. That the kingdom of God belongs to the least of these, to the "little child". Yes, the little child who doesn't take a care for himself but who looks ever to his caretaker and is at rest... he laughs, he plays but he doesn't worry for a thing... because he trusts simply in the one who looks after him. The kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Yet, often times, it is at our most helpless moments that we realise that Jesus is either Lord of all or He is not Lord at all! And if He is Lord of all, we need nothing more than Him. He is worthy of our entire preoccupation. I just know this is what God is doing for me, removing all the other substitutes, until Jesus alone remains at the centre of my life- my righteousness, my holiness, my wisdom, my redemption. Jesus be at the centre.

I'm taking 3 verses into 2012... 2 were from my dear friend Sam years ago=)

"Those who are wise will shine as bright as the sky, and those who lead many to righteousness will shine like the stars forever." Daniel 12:3

"I will look on you with favor and make you fruitful... I will put my dwelling place among you and will not abhor you. I will walk among you and be your God and you will be my people." Lev 26:9-12

"The Lord longs to be gracious to you, He rises to show you compassion." Isaiah 30:18

We enter 2012 not alone. Not helpless. Not forsaken. Not forgotten. We enter 2012 knowing that the Jesus has gone into your future, the months ahead, and prepared the way for you... He is the Good Shepherd... He knows what's coming and He has destined you to reign in life.

It is quite strange. There are many things for us to rejoice for, as a child of God. We are not only God's darling child, we are also Christ's beloved. We are the bride for whom He laid down His life for. Shouldn't that make us bold in life? When tomorrow comes, His free favors will overflow, and I will be taken care of. What a thought!

Yet, there is this nagging sense that unless I overcome this, there will be no truly happy days for me. However, this is a lie. And it is a lie after a season of serving the idol of my heart- the form of self-righteousness, morality. God doesn't say in Romans 5:17 that those who receive the abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness... and your morality... shall reign in life! There's no plus. The Gospel has nothing in it for us. It has everything in it for Christ. We have died to ourselves in Christ, and we are raised as the righteousness of Christ- no longer alive apart from Christ.

This is the greatest news of all, there is nothing left for me to do. Christ has done everything necessary, and He is my righteousness. I only need to rest in Him. And enjoy all the blessings of the righteous.

Yet, it is the hardest thing for me. I have become accustomed to desiring change in my self. I want to see change. I'm desperate to change. And change becomes the main thing in my life. It is the end. And Christ becomes displaced. It is a form of self-righteousness. And the more I try to change, the more I don't see the change, and the more I try.

Tomorrow, when I wake up, it is not what I'm going to do that matters, or how I feel that matters. When I wake up, it is the free favors of God that matters, and it is the identity I have in Christ that matters.

Therefore, I am going to rejoice!

I think there's a verse in the bible that says, "God is unlike the idols of the other nations, who cannot listen nor speak." And I was just conversing with Charis yesterday about the dilemma of faith. I want to pause here for awhile to give thanks to Jesus for bringing me to a community of people who I think is very real about their struggles of faith, as much as they are passionate about the Gospel of Grace. I think it is precisely those who are most into rehearsing the Gospel that suffer the most dilemma sometimes, but the Gospel will lead them out of the dilemma as they continue believing and confessing it. This, I believe. For the faith to believe did not come from them, it is a gift of God. Therefore, it'll endure all tests, and prove itself to be true and genuine for the glory of God's grace. Back to the dilemma of faith... So yesterday, I went up during Arrows' to the altar. Psr Benjamin talked about how God knows what I'm going through, and how some of us (of which I am one) was drowning in our problems and God wants to rescue us- He will come and save us.

I went to the altar... I was really hoping that any Pastor praying for me would go into a lengthy prayer, but Psr Ben just laid his hand on me, and I fell under the power of the Spirit. So, I was like... "Ok, I wished there was more though."

But guess what? God amazed me today. Beyond my expectations. Psr Prince's message had my address all over it. It was about the battlefield of the mind, and how grace can overcome that battle! And at the end of it, he even asked us to put our hand on our forehead, and the senior pastor prayed for us, right where we are. He prayed that the anointing would loose us from any yoke of mental oppression.

God is truly awesome. When I expected a prayer, He gave a whole sermon! When I expected some other pastor to pray, He gave the senior pastor! What a Savior!

Recently, after watching the "you are the apple of my eye" movie, I have begun to consciously think of Jesus as the lover of my soul. I was pretty moved- ok, very very moved- by the story in the movie... and I was like, "Ok. I see beauty all over this show, especially in the love of the girl for the guy!" Then I began to really obsess with what it is like to have a girl like me that much... Selah. Then I thought, what about the love of God? If a human love could be this good, this beautiful, this 'true', what about the love of the infinite holy God? What about his sacrifice? What about his unconditional acceptance of me? What about his divine election before the foundations of the world?

After answering these questions with the Gospel, I can only stand in awe... that Yahweh is the lover of my soul. More beautiful than any girl that will ever love me, even my wife in future. He is the ultimate lover, pursuer and knight in shining armor.

Learning to bask in the love of my 'husband', and be a bride.

He took my wilderness, and cried my orphan cry. In my place, Jesus died.

I'm still trying to grasp that. The Gospel radically calls us to a Christ-centred life, and away from a self-preoccupied life. There seems to be always the question, "what about this I'm going through?" There's always something that makes me feel the Work is not complete. If it is, how come I am feeling this, for so long? Is it really by grace alone? Has grace finished the Work?

To beat the Gospel into my heart each day is life's highest calling, for that is my only hope of knowing my Savior more and more.

May God raise up a generation of bold preachers who storm the gates of works-righteousness in all its forms (both religious and secular) with nothing more and nothing less than:

In my place condemned he stood, and sealed my pardon with his blood. Hallelujah, what a Savior.

                                                                                                   Tullian Tchividjian

Solas...

Sola Fide, Sola Gratia, Sola Christus...
By Faith Alone, By Grace Alone, Through Christ Alone.

It is amazing just listening to R.C.Sproul, world famous reformed theologian, lecturing on the 5 Solas of the Reformed Tradition! To know I've been clothed in the Righteousness of Christ, and eternally secure is the greatest revelation a Christian can ever have! To know that it wasn't you who chose God's gift in Christ, but God who chose you and called you by His spirit to believe is simply breathtaking. The God who sees all and knows all and judges all chose you and I (if you are among those who have believed the Gospel) before the foundations of the world to be saved and to be justified and sanctified and glorified! What a mystery! What a God! You and I are forever caught up in the eternal passion between the Father, Son and Spirit. They have chosen to bestow their love on you, simply because they are who they are. The Godhead has loved you with an everlasting love simply because it is what it is. There is no reason inside you and I for God to love us, but the reason and basis is found in His covenantal heart of love towards his creation. Simply because He is Love (1 John), you are loved. Somewhere between eternity past and the laying of this earth's foundations, you and I were elected. As long as there was God, there were His loving thoughts of electing you to salvation, justifying you, sanctifying you and ultimately glorifying you! Just pause, and consider the depths of grace and love involved in your salvation! 

No wonder the hymn writer wrote, "When we've been there ten thousand years, bright shining as the sun, we've no less days to sing God's praise than when we've first begun!" We will stand in awe, as "time" and ages pass us by, and we will still be beholding the glory of God in the face of Christ!

Was speaking with Faus and Ys about marriage, love and life today... Just reminded that marriage is truly a covenant that speaks volumes of humanity and its desire for union and fellowship. In marriage, "two become one flesh". Some say, that's a murder of individuality! Yet, ask any truly satisfied couple, and they will say, they love being one (not withstanding the sexual aspect)! It is precisely their individuality that yearns for this union... and it is the very person within them cries out to be fulfilled in becoming one with the other, and for all distances to cease. Therefore, in marriage, we realise that individuality is not an end or goal in itself... but a journey to that goal. In itself, it brings no fulfilment... Thus, the person who gives himself or herself totally to his or her lover is not one who has given up his individuality but one who actually has followed his individuality into union and joy... his individuality has been captured by love.

Thus, the question, how does one remain in such an enslavement to loving one individual for a lifetime? Is it even a question of abiding, if love is truly forever? Or how much abiding is due to my own commitment to the Covenant, and how much is due to the love itself, motivating me and inspiring me and moving me to action?

Perhaps, the question can only be answered on hindsight. It's too early to say a relationship is true or genuine or to what degree. Only when one looks back, after the efforts have been put in, and initiatives taken by both parties, and the fruits grow... that we can determine if it was truly love all along, or simply a perception of love or an illusion of love that a person has been taken in by.

To all who know they should make a conscious effort to abide in their love for the special someone, please do... as that "ought to" feeling is in itself is a sign of genuine affection. Even if you have the slightest degree to hold onto a relationship, it is because you desire the person's company. Sometimes, desire is so darkened by our doubts that we don't even realise it is there, but our desire to try is a sign that our affections are still there.

What if you are being abused or marginalised in a relationship? Leave, for your own sake. Learn that your identity is not founded in yourself- how attractive you are to the other...  but only Christ alone can clothe you in true and perfect beauty, worth and holiness that is unshakeable through all the tests of life, and for all eternity.

In all our frailities and failings, Christ says to us, His bride, "you are beautiful. there is no spot in thee."

What a comfort! When you realise Jesus feels your humanity, you are delivered from it. What a glorious thought... what an amazing Lord! Truly He is the LORD God Almighty. He is Yahweh (in the Hebrew, it reads, "Open hands of Grace, Nailed in Grace." Truly, Christ's hands were nailed- not so that we will be judged, but that our judgement will fall on Him. God is the God of infinite Grace, of endless mercies, of boundless compassion. If you know Him, you can't help but sing His praise, and O my soul, bless His holy name! He is altogether lovely, admirable, and praise-worthy.

"Nothing else matters, no one else will do (but You Jesus)"... not my circumstances, not my actions, not my feelings of guilt and condemation and regret and loss, not the Devil's attacks or lies, not my sin... nothing else matters in the Presence of a God of Grace. A God who identifies Himself as being full of Grace ("Yahweh")... the I AM who is totally unconditional in His covenant love towards us, and who sustains Himself apart from us. The I AM who is Love- inexhaustible love. Agape love. A love that identifies, sympathises, gives, dies for and supplies everything we need in this life.

Call me idealistic, call me irreverent, call me foolish... but Here is Love, wide as the ocean... Here is Love, Christ our Savior.

Lord Jesus, Help me come boldly today to the Throne of Grace. Help me realise this Place is not about me, but about You. It is marked with your Sacrifice, your Price, and your Blood. It is all about You. Let me forget myself ,and come and touch your Garment- like the woman with the issue of blood- who knows that despite herself, Jesus can still heal her and make her whole. Your righteousness is my standing, my wellbeing, my shalom and my life. You gave it up for me on that Bloody Cross... you suffered so I can be blessed... you gave so I can receive all the fullness of my Heavenly Papa. So, once again, I take my place in Christ... knowing that I'm perfect in your eyes, without a stain or spot. And that as I gaze at your beauty, I shall be transformed, from glory to glory- till the world sees you in me. For indeed, I do not live anymore... but you live in me. Amen.

1. I am the Righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. I have right standing with God, but not only that, I also am declared justified when God looks upon me- every nuance of my being radiates with the perfection of Christ. All that is right about God becomes all that is right about me. There is nothing ugly or dirty or sinful about me- as Jesus is, so am I in this world.

2. Where sin abounds, grace much more abounds, and on top of that, more grace! Right where I failed, where I fall short of the glory of God is an abundance of undeserved favor and power and help and wisdom and dominion and peace working for my good and for God's glory. There is more strength than there is weakness. There is more peace of mind than there is oppression. There is more wisdom than there is folly. There is more restoration than damage because of sin. Christ paid with His blood so that I can have effortless transformation and power in my spirit, soul and body. Because of that, there is more shalom than there is chaos. Right now, shalom is pouring into my spirit, soul and body... and every unrestful thought has to cease, every lie has to be broken, every moral conflict has to cease, every demonic attack cannot prosper.

3. I am a new creation in Christ. The old me has gone, benedict of the flesh has died with Christ, that identity has nothing to do with my new identity- that creation that is perverted, sinful, and lost has been judged and condemned at the Cross, in the body of Christ. The sinless Lamb of God became my sinful personality and paid the price for all the unrighteousness, sins and lawless deeds flowing from it, so that I can be free from that personality- and I am. I am no longer estranged from God and bound up in the old man. I am reconciled to God in Christ. My new identity is Christ. As He is, so am I in this world. His presence becomes my presence. His heart is my heart. His mind is my mind. His will is my will. Yea, I am in Him. God who sees reality as it is declares me a new creation- made in the image of Christ, and a light of the world and salt of the earth. All that is bad flows out from that condemned identity- but I am not condemend, because that identity is not mine. It is past. That identity belonged to Christ on the Cross, and therefore, His identity is now my new identity- I am perfect as He is.

4. Because I am no longer under Law but under Grace, sin can no longer exercise dominion over me. Once, I was trapped under the system of God demanding holiness from me in order to keep His company, and I was steeped in sin-consciousness. But now, I am under the free favors of God- I am freely elected, freely justified, freely made holy, freely glorified- Jesus Christ and His finished work is the only basis on which I have received all these things. Now, God includes me into His company, His covenant people, making me His child, not because I obey perfectly or satisfy God's just requirements or am behaving morally or am sincere in my prayers and confessions, but only because I have been imputed righteousness on the basis of Christ's obedience to His Father. I'm under the covenant of free favors- unmerited and undeserved. I don't work for favors, I receive them by grace through faith. Right now, in the midst of temptations and bad thoughts, I am under Grace. The fountain of God's love is still rushing down over me, surrounding me, coming all over me. There is no way sin can stop it. Sin will be swallowed up in the presence of Jesus, who is the personfication of Grace.

5. By His wounds, I am healed. Not because I'm sincere enough, not because I'm moral, not because I've planned my way into break through, not because I've prayed long and hard enough, but because Jesus' body was broken, mine is restored. I am the healed in Christ. In God's eyes, I am well. There is nothing functioning in a fallen way right now in my body. In my body, the life of God flows through the Holy Spirit. My spirit, soul and body shall be preserved through the Lord Jesus Christ, who will also present me blameless in the last day. My spirit is justified, and indwelt by the very Spirit of Christ, with the fullness of God inside it. My spirit is alive, and is in control of my soul and body. The life of God  controls my soul and body. My soul shall not become fatigued or be induced with a sense of abandonment or feel unaccepted- because the Spirit of Christ is breathing life every moment of the day. My body is the temple of the Spirit of God. It is not the Devil's tool. It is holy. It is sinful or impure or unworthy. My body is healed in Christ. It is restored to original intention of God in Christ. Every faculty is working in the rhythm of grace. Every faculty is not in excess nor distressed. It is in perfect harmony with the will of God, and sustained by the power of the Holy Spirit. It will fulfil the purpose of God in every respect and aspect- because the wholeness brought about by Christ's broken body indwells it. Every bondage and addiction with respect to the soul and body has been broken at the Cross. They have been effectively judged in the body of Christ, and Christ though never sinned  had been tormented by the guilt, horror and disgust and every other negative reaction produced by them. Just as Christ is now whole, so am I in this world. These lying symptoms are subject to the Word of Christ. And the word says, Surely he bore our infirmities and weaknesses and distresses. By His wounds, I am well. My spirit, soul and body is whole- because of Christ's finished work.

This is for my good fren Faus... but if you are here, just something to think about concerning one of the most important relationship in your life.

What defines a good marriage? The modern man says, "choose carefully, don't commit... test the waters!" Yet, it is this issue of choice that has been the nemesis of many marriages. What makes a marriage self-centred, and shaky? What makes it the partner-centred, and safe? 

For all the the attempt to part ways with the traditional notion of courtship as a serious process of pursuing a potential partner- sometimes already pre-arranged by the elders-  and adoption of casual dating,  the modern generation might not be as far off as we think from the previous generations in their motivations. Both the previous generation and the present are radically categorical about selecting right spouses- though the former usually has its selection rooted in a family's decision while the latter has its one rooted in an individual's decision. Pre-arranged marriages are things of the past- but they by no means less choosy. They are  based on social statuses, usually the rich will never intermarriage with the poor, nor the noble with the unknown. The difference is, the modern man and woman has stretched the criteria for compatibility to an extent that the previous generation never knew.  We have now stretched it to a compatability between individuals- not just familial compatability like in the case of Romeo and Juliet. There is actually now more things to compare- not less- like personality, talents and abilities, looks, health, finances and even sexual needs and preferences. Therefore, whilst our ancestors tackled the test of compatibility between two by relegating it to the decision of elders, we confront it by "testing waters". Thus, the irony is, we practise casual dating to find a serious partner.

Are the results of the past different from the present's? In the past, when two persons said to be compatible by their elders marry- only to realise that they are vastly different in character and practices- they are perhaps kept from trying to leave the marriage by the plain fact that they did not choose to be together in the first place, but they were perhaps bound together by external forces of which they had no control. Their psychology of marriage excluded personal compatability- thus when crises hit, they usually respond with a resignation to fate. Our society of rights and freedoms has seen to it that a marriage is anchored on a personal preference, so much so that once personal opinions and feelings change, the marriage is no longer safe. The anchor gives way to choppy waters.

There is a thin line between committing to choice and committing to the person of your choice. Is marriage more of giving up oneself for another, or taking another for yourself? The inadequacy of our generation in sustaining a marriage is rooted in the idea of "testing the waters... and searching for the right one". In trying radically hard to settle down with the most compatible individual, we have ironically adopted a flawed and dangerous perspective of love. Love is not rooted in self-gratification, rather love is about losing oneself to glorify the worth of another. Eros, one of the four loves C.S.Lewis mentions, is a self-oriented love- one that is looking out for desirable qualities in another to admire and enjoy. Yet, eros love does not practise forgiveness or grace as a way of life- crucial qualities to a sustaining marriage. We are all imperfect individuals and in order for a relationship of any form to be sustained, we must be willing to overlook one another's trangressions. Yet, when we adopt a love-view that only works when our partners are fulfilling their role dilligently and satisfying us totally, we are setting ourselves up for a failing relationship. When people divorce, and they say it's due to preference, could it be, they were never in love with the person in the first place? They were only in love with a shadow of the person- created by their tastes and preferences... maybe it's more fitting to say their marriage vows were a covenant to themselves, their choices and views. Surely, all of us are first attracted to our partners via eros love, but eros must eventually be replaced by a deeper, more self-sacrifical love- one that focuses on giving, rather than taking.

Why is it I for one find it so hard to listen to the "still small voice" within, that can still the storms, end the distress, empower the weakness, and transform the heart? This "still small voice"- the rhema of God- is the sword of the Spirit, and it is also there to divide between soul and spirit... it is God's instrument of change for us. The bible is like any other book if it is not made plain to us (revelation) by the Spirit of God speaking to me.

The tree of the knowledge of good and evil is cold, offers no specific guidance, gives no encouragement or nourishment, and ultimately condemns when we fail. It is not from this Tree that we hear the Rhema of God. This Tree will not inspire us to pray. Why pray, when I don't even realise He is at the centre in the midst of my trial, my hour of need, my temptations? This Tree presupposes we are the centre of our trials. We must face them on our own, and we must win on our own.

The Rhema comes from another Tree- the Tree of Life. This is Christ. Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the life." All absolutes are founded in the Man Christ Jesus. He is at the centre of our trials and fires and He urges us to sense His compassion- for He was tempted in every way- and calls us to see the sacrifice He paid- He knew what it meant to be wrecked by your sinful motions and habits. On the Cross, He knew. You and I ask, "how can He know? He is the perfect and sinless Son of God... how can he know?" The (Son of God) who knew no sin, became sin..." (2 Cor 5:21) Jesus also said, "As Moses lifted up the serpent, so will the Son of Man be lifted up..." (John) The way Moses lifted up the serpent (which is 'sin'- your rebellion, the old you, the cursed you), is the way Jesus was lifted up- in judgement for our sin. Thus, will not He know the torment, the guilt, the regret, the pains of humanity? For all these things finds it source in the imputation of sin. And sin was imputed to Christ.

O, how can it be- that thou my God should die for me? We have a strong and perfect plea... let us go to Him, embrace Him, and come home.